Lessons Learned

There’s some things that I regret

Some words I wish had gone unsaid

Some starts that had some better endings

Been some bad times I ’ve been through

Damage I could not undo

Some things I wish I could do all all over again

But it don’t really matter

When life gets that much harder

It makes you that much stronger, oh

Some pages turned, some bridges burned

But there were lessons learned

From every tear that had to fall from my eyes

From every day I wondered how I’d get through the night

From every change life has thrown me

I’m thankful for every break in my heart

I’m grateful for every scar

Some pages turned, some bridges burned

But there were lessons learned

There’s mistakes that I have made

Some chances I just threw away

Some roads I never should’ve taken

Been some signs I didn’t see

Hearts that I hurt needlessly

Some wounds that I wish I could have one more chance to mend

But it don’t make no difference

The past can’t be re-written

You get the life you’re given, oh

Some pages turned, some bridges burned

But there were lessons learned

From every tear that had to fall from my eyes

From every day I wondered how I’d get through the night

From every change life has thrown me

I’m thankful for every break in my heart

I’m grateful for every scar

Some pages turned, some bridges burned

But there were lessons learned

And all the things that break you

Are all the things that make you strong

You can’t change the past coz it’s gone

And you gotta just move on

It’s all lessons learned

Carrie Underwood ~ "Lessons Learned"

Ever the Same

We were drawn from the weeds

We were brave like soldiers

Falling down

Under the pale moonlight

You were holding to me

Like a someone broken

And I couldn't tell you but

I'm telling you now

Just let me hold you

while you're falling apart

Just let me hold you

and we both fall down

Fall on me

Tell me everything you want me to be

Forever with you

Forever in me

Ever the same

We would stand in the wind

We were free like water

Flowing down

Under the warmth of the sun

Now it's cold and we're scared

And we've both been shaken

Look at us

Man, this doesn't need to be the end

Just let me hold you

while you're falling apart

Just let me hold you

and we both fall down

Fall on me

tell me everything you want me to be

Forever with you

Forever in me

Ever the same

Call on me

I'll be there for you

and you'll be there for me

Forever it's you

Forever in me

Ever the same

You may need me there

To carry all your weight

But you're no burden

I assure

You tide me over

With a warmth I'll not forget

But I can only give you love

"Ever the Same" ~ Rob Thomas

The Clumsy Lovers

L to R:

Jason Homey -- banjo, mandolin
Trevor Rogers -- vocals, guitar, harmonica, precussion
Andrea Lewis -- fiddle, vocals

Chris Jonat -- bass guitar, vocals.
Gord Robert -- drums.

The Clumsy Lovers are a raucous Canadian band that play a supercharged, high-octane mix of bluegrass, folk, Celtic and country music with the occasional ska, punk or classic rock tune thrown in. Stylistic shifts keep you listening: a very Irish fiddle break in the middle of a country tune or a ska beat that gives way to a pop chorus, followed by banjo solo. The band is comprised of five very talented musicians who know how to keep the crowd pumped and can rip thru an hour and a half long set without hardly pausing to breathe. We, in Southern Idaho, were blessed to have the Lovers grace our Valley last Saturday night. They played a new little hotspot in Kimberly, ID called Mixers. It was a standing room only crowd, but you wouldn't have wanted to sit down if you could. They kept the crowd going with original tracks like "Stand Up" from their new album Smart Kid and covers of such varied tunes as Van Morrison's "Brown-Eyed Girl", The Ramones' "I Wanna Be Sedated", & John Denver's "Country Roads". Trevor is a talented and charming front man and Jason is a wiz on banjo ad mandolin alike. Gord provides a steady beat and Chris provides solid bass and nice vocal harmony. But the star in my book is the lovely and enchanting Andrea Lewis. The girl plays a smoking fiddle. And fiddlin' is what she does. This ain't no delicate violinist. This is classic "Devil Went Down to Georgis" style,hoedown fiddlin'. She blazes through song after song and never misses a beat. Watching Andrea play is pure magic and amazing musicianship. I saw the Lovers in Moscow, Idaho in 1998, and again in Twin Falls, Idaho in 2000. I was stoked to hear they were going to be in the Valley again. I invited along a couple of friends who I figured would enjoy the high-energy eccentricity. Needless to say we had a blast and the Clumsy Lovers have a couple new fans. They are at the front end of a US tour so check the website (top of the page) for dates and cities and if they are anywhere near you, check them out!

Life Marches On

I was pondering things to post tonight and couldn't come up with anything brilliant or topical, so I decided to post an up date on my life for anyone who cares. I'm not sure anyone actually reads this thing but the posting is cathartic. In no particular order...

*Work is work. We implemented a new electronic charting system at the hospital. That has been a challenge. For others more than me, but I'm having my own difficulties. It's tricky remembering everything and the system is not very user friendly. But it's a step toward joining the 21st century. We still do everything by hand at Canyon View, which I don't mind. We are the bastard stepchildren and probably won't implement the electronic charting there for at least 6 months. A big part of the problem is that there is one computer on the Unit and during day shift there are almost a dozen people who would need to use it. We fight enough over access to the paper charts. Expecting all of us to use one computer would be insane.

*I'm taking two college classes this semester. Microeconomics and Pathobiology. After the first meeting of the Econ class, I'm thinking it should be fairly easy. Read the text, listen to lecture, take test. Not too difficult. The Patho class may be more difficult. It's a 300 level class and is going to be a hybrid online/telecommunications class. The instructor is at ISU in Pocatello. After taking the "pre-pathobiology evaluation" and feeling really stupid and then reading the first chapter (which was supposed to be review) and thinking "I should know this shit..." (but feeling like I must have slept thru that lecture in A&P) I'm thinking that I'm gonna have to put some study time into Patho.

*My baby starts 2nd grade next week. He's excited. He got to go on two trips this summer and that was fun for him. He's looking forward to telling his friends about Cobra Lillies and what the difference is between seals and sea lions. I think that he's ready to be a big important 2nd grader.

*I'm still working out on a fairly consistant basis (3 times a week). I've only lost ten pounds, but my clothes fit better and I feel better. More energy. I'm pretty proud. I haven't slacked off too bad and I haven't turned into a rabid gym nut.

*I'm happy, healthy and continue to learn more and more about myself each day.

All Over You

our love is like water

pinned down and abused

for being strange

our love is no other

than me alone

for me all day

our love is like angels

pinned down and abused

all over you,

all over me

the sun,

the fields,

the sky

I've often tried

to hold the sea

the sun,

the fields,

the tide

lay me now,

lay me down

"All Over You" ~ Live

There are some things worth calling in sick to work for...

In life there are times when taking a risk, stepping outside of our comfort zone, doing something different...pays off. Most people would not peg me as the type of girl who would go to a strip club but I did. Last week was a 'Mad's birthday. We didn't really get to celebrate it on the actual day so one night we were talking on Messenger and I made the comment that it was too bad that there were no (good) strip clubs here. (There is one but it has a skanky rep...) Soooo...I said "Hey...why don't we go up to Boise" and he was into it. We were going to try and drag along another friend of ours, but it didn't work out for her to go. Kind of a bummer, but we had a good time nevertheless. It was a small place called Erotic City. Because of the ordinances (not sure if it's state or city) if an establishment serves alcohol the, strippers cannot be completely topless. Erotic City only serves non alcoholic drinks so the girls were topless. That was a big selling point for us. There were 5 dancers. Devon, Lily, Roxie, Issa and Brooke. They all did a great job. It takes ...something...to get up on stage in front of an audience and take your clothes off. Devon was notably more experienced than the others. She had a few neat tricks and she knew how to work the crowd. Issa was new and had a fresh quaility about her. She got singled out by a certain acquaintence of mine (*cough*'Mad*cough*) for a private dance. Lily and Roxie did their thing but didn't really peak my interest. Brooke, however... She made sure that "Miss Independant" will always bring a smile to my face... She had a spunky attitude and she was enjoying herself. 'Mad was kind enough to buy me a private dance (that did last a couple extra songs...*shrug*) I'll spare the details, but sufice it to say...it was memorable. And I think Brooke had fun too. She said she didn't often get to dance for girls and usually when there was a girl involved, she was half of a couple. She did give me a couple of pointers and we chatted, compared tattoos & I marvled at her ability to dance in heels. (------>!!)
'Mad was sure that I was bored because I did spend a lot of time sitting back at our table rather than right up on the rail throwing money at the girls. Truth be told I'm a bit of a voyeur and there is somthing entertaining about watching. The guys who try to casually saunter up and grab a front row seat, the nonchalant way they reach into their pocket and pull out a few dollars, and then place it up on the rail. Then they try to sit back and look impassive all the while eagerly anticipating when the dancer will come over and reward them. It's hard to explain the allure of strip clubs, but it's there. It's not for everyone, but if you have the curiosity, the impluse, the desire to go...then go and enjoy yourself. Appreciate the bodies, the personality, the sensual movement. Get a peek at another side of your friends and youself.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince**SPOILERS**

The following post assumes that the reader has read Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.
**Contains spoilers...* *

Whew...38 hours later and I'm done. I was pleased. I felt that the story progressed well. Rowling has a talent for keeping you guessing. Things are still uncertain. She resolves some things and introduces new plots. But she managed to surprise me several times and I like that.

PD wrote:
I think Ron and Hermoine need to grow up!!!! Good lord were they annoying!

Actually I think all of them have grown up as they should be. They are 16 (ish) and I think that they behaved just as most 16 year olds would. C'mon...has no one ever felt slighted by the object of their unrequited affections and done something like Hermy did (McLaggen) to try to provoke said object(Ron) into action. Please tell me I'm not the only one who appreciates the tangled love lives. It's not always wine and roses when you're falling in love. A certain amount of drama and tribulation makes the resolution so much more gratifying. The image of a tearful Hermione being comforted by Ron (with no awkwardness whatsoever) at Dumbledore's funeral was striking.

And as for Harry and Ginny. I was thrilled that they got together. And the way it happened was well done. I can just see that triumphant kiss in the common room after they won. And honestly...what kind of hero would Harry be if he drug the girl he cares about into the mess he's heading for. My guess is that she will turn up in Book 7 doing something equally important in the fight against evil. She has certainly grown up as well. Talented spellcaster, ace Quidditch player and confident young woman. A perfect compliment to Harry. They'll be reunited in the end is my guess.

I think Harry behaved more maturely than in previous books. His thought processes show that he has learned a lot about the way the world works. He's showing more insight than before and all the info he learned about LV will come in handy in the future. He wasn't afraid to ask important questions and he held his temper when needed. It feels like he has focused his anger and is using it.

RJ wrote:
Actually, I think the matter isn't resolved yet. I'm inclined to believe that he was still doing just as Dumbledore had ordered him to...

I totally agree... I can't give up on Snape yet. And though this may get me flamed...I find myself feeling more and more sorry for Draco. I have a morbid soft spot in my heart for him. It was so apparent in this book that his M.O. is trying to prove himself and gain the approval of his parents. Like Dumbledore said "Draco, Draco, You are not a killer." There's hope for Draco's redemption yet.

As for Snape being the HBP. I think that like the Sorcerer's Stone, the Chamber, the Prisoner, the Goblet and the Order, the HBP was a plot device. There was a lot of debate and specualtion about who it was. I think in the end it didn't really shock me that it was Snape. I think that the info we got about Snape gave him depth and made him more intersting.

SK wrote:
It's like throwing a mouse at a cat and hoping the cat chokes because it happens to be a rather large mouse.
RJ wrote:
Gee, that sounds like Frodo and Sauron XP

And hence the magic of Harry Potter. We've debated this before. Harry Potter (orphan)... Frodo (lowly Hobbit)... Rand Al'Thor (foundling shepard)... The Baudelaire's (also orphans)... Luke Skywalker(farm-boy)... and I'm sure there are countless other examples. We have a tendency to root for the underdog. We like to belive. The magic of Fairytales is intoxicating. But when it comes down to it we delight in the triumph of someone who could be us. I think that Rowling has written another wonderful tale. I will be eagerly awating the seventh book. I too could wish for more of Harry Potter's world. But who knows. (Might as well wish for more Wheel of Time after Tarmon Gai'din or more Star Wars) She could go on to create an equally magnificent story that has nothing to do with Harry. But I am thankful for being able to witness Harry's journey from friendless orphan to hero of the Wizarding world. He may not wear a cape and tights but he's gonna be the one to save the day in the end.


And just out of curisoity, am I the only one who read HBP and was seeing the movie in my head.

Fool...

"Tell me lies, slap me one the face, just...
improvise, do something really clever.
That'll make me hate your name forever

You might swear, you'd never touch a lady
Well, let me say, you're not too far from maybe
Every day you find new ways to hurt me

But I can't help it if I'm just a fool
Always having my heart set on you
'Till the time you start changing the rules
I'll keep chasing the soles of your shoes
Ahh, fool

God resigned, from hearing my old story
Every night, I'm paying hell for glory
I'm embarrassed but I'm much more sorry

All this pain, begins to feel like pleasure
With my tears, you'd make a sea a desert
Salt my wounds and I'll keep saying thank you

But I can't help it if I'm just a fool
Always having my heart set on you
'Till the time you start changing the rules
I'll keep chasing the soles of your shoes
Ahh, fool..."

"Fool" ~ Shakira

Truth, Beauty, Freedom & Love

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn...is just to love and to be loved in return."

These words capture the essence of Moulin Rouge. There are countless reasons to love this movie (the stars, the music, the brilliant cinematography), but to me the best thing about Moulin Rouge is the story. An incredible tragic love story that gets me everytime I watch it. I've watched this movie many times but the other night as I sat watching it, I found myself crying. It touched an emotional nerve in me. For the past couple days, I've pondered why and I think I finally figured it out. Satine is flawed, she's not a perfect woman. Outwardly she portrays "The Sparkling Diamond", a woman that all the men want because of her perfect beauty. Inwardly she is insecure, afraid of being unimportant and very sick. And despite all that, Christian loves her. He is able to see past the facade and see her true self. There is an obvious struggle to accept her place as a courtesan, her willingness to sell herself to gain a place in the world. But when all is said and done, he loves her and she loves him, Come What May...
I am flawed. I'm not a perfect woman. I don't even have the outward physical beauty to hide behind that Satine did. But in a way, I hide my fear and insecurity behind a facade of confidence. The world sees a woman who has a good job, is a good mom and has things together. The world doesn't see how hard I struggle to keep going. There are days when I feel like giving up, but I don't. I can't. Just as Satine fought her demons, I fight mine. But she found a man who saw past all that and loved her. He loved Satine, not "The Sparkling Diamond". I want to find someone who will love me and accept my flaws. Behind the hard cynic is a desperate romantic who dreams of finding love, Come What May...

Kelly Clarkson - Breakaway

http://www.kellyclarksonweb.com/
I'm a fan. I watched the last two seasons of American Idol and was enthralled. Kelly's new CD has taken up rotation on my CD player at the moment. She's got an amazing voice and this CD is a strange blend of the agnst of Avril Lavigne and the power of Faith Hill. And, I must admit,I'm a bit jealous. I envy that Kelly (and Ruben and Fantasia and now Carrie) have had the chance to get up on stage and prove to the world how good they are. 10 years ago I would have been standing in line with the other millions of hopefuls, but now I'm bordering on too old...and I know I don't have "It". But that doesn't change the fact that being on American Idol would have been a dream come true. I love to sing. I've been told I'm good at it. I have been singing for as long as I could remember. I remember driving in the car with my dad when I was about 5 and him teaching me how to stay on pitch while he harmonized. Then he taught me to sing harmony. I was raised on Broadway and oldies (50's & 60's) I used to crank up the radio in my bedroom and sing along to Madonna. When I was in High School, I was in Choir (the one anyone could be in...just sign up and show up) and I was also in Madrigals (an adution only 20 person choir). I was in JuMP Co. (a local musical theater group for kids) I took four years of voice lessons and competed locally. I sang in the church choir. I loved singing. Which is why it was a shock when, after graduating from high school I settled in and had myself a good old fashioned spell of teenage rebellion. I quit. For a long time I didn't sing. I didn't have it in me at the time. Singing is a very emotional thing for me and during the "dark" phase of my life I just couldn't find the spirit to sing. But several years later I have found the music again. I may never sell a million records or be on TV, but I had the honor of singing at White Honors when I graduated from College and I have sang at the weddings of several close friends. I sing in the shower, the car, my bedroom. Music is the window to my soul. Listen to the live version of Beautiful Disaster on Breakaway. That coulda been me...

"Revenge" is sweet...

I am a geek. Not the biggest geek in the world. There are others who far surpass me in their geekiness. The point of this is... I've seen Episode III three times. Granted there will be folks who have seen it many more times than that. But for me to see a movie 3 times in the theater it has to be good. For me, "Sith" is the culmination of a long journey. Which is funny, what with this movie taking place in the middle of the storyline. But I'm sure I'm not the only one who felt that watching Anakin's fall and Vader's rise was a fitting end to a story that has intrigued and fascinated me since I was a girl. Watching the classic triliogy now has a new meaning. Vader is no longer just an evil villian. He a human being who gave in to temptations. He let his passions consume him. Palpatine played on the insecurities that plauged Anakin. That could happen to any of us so easily. My heart ached for a man who loved his wife and was so comsumed with saving her that he would do anything to keep her from dying. And in losing his soul he lost her as well. I felt for Padme. She wanted to save the man she loved, but by the time she stood pleading with him he was too far gone... consumed with jealousy and greed for power. She died beliving that there was still good in him somewhere. Obi-Wan had a tough job too. He felt he had failed Anakin. That last battle between Ani and Obi was epic! Not only was it great action, but the emotional content was intense. Obi-Wan wanted to save Anakin, but he knew that the Dark side had sunk deep into Anakin's soul. He had to stop Anakin and it tore him apart. The anguish on his face as the ship sped away from Mustafar was heartbreaking. I walked out of that movie pondering life and how each of us struggles to find the balance between the Light and the Dark. Each of us strives to attain the serene wisdom of the Jedi, but are constantly battling the forces of passion that rule the Sith. Somewhere in between is where we live our lives. That is why I feel that the Star Wars saga has become such a pivotal story for so many people. The story of the Chosen One who brings balance to the Force. The Force is life and the balance is humanity.

Wicked....

Good Meets Bad....

I've been listening to "Wicked" for the last few days. I'm on a "Wicked" kick. You see..."Wicked", for those of you who aren't familiar with Broadway, is a musical. It is also a book, or more precisely was a book and then they made a musical out of it. (Wicked-The book...) A very good thing indeed. I loved, LOVED, LOVED the book. It's the tale of Elphaba, aka, the Wicked Witch of the West. Who was, of course, melted by Dorothy Gale et al. in "The Wizard of Oz". "Wicked" tells Elphaba's story. How she grew up and why she became known as the WWotW. It was written by Gregory Maguire. Maguire has written several other wonderful retellings of classic stories."Wicked" is one of my favorite books of all time.

But "Wicked", the musical, is simply enchanting all by itself. To quote the official website (Wicked-The musical...) "Long before Dorothy dropped in, two other girls meet in the Land of Oz. One, born with emerald-green skin, is smart, fiery and misunderstood. The other is beautiful, ambitious and very popular. How these two unlikely friends end up as the Wicked Witch of the West and Glinda the Good Witch makes for the most spellbinding new musical in years."

The cast recording I have features Kristin Chenowith as Glinda and Idina Menzel as Elphaba. These two ladies have stunning voices that I envy and enjoy. Just listen to the breathtaking "Defying Gravity" and you'll know why I could (and do) listen to this CD over and over.

Check out the site...and check out the CD. If you are a fan of theater, "The Wizard of Oz" or just a good fairy tale, this is one story you should not miss!!!!

12-Hour Tuesdays

Today was Tuesday. An 8-hour Tuesday. Quiet for the first time in a while. They'd kick me for saying that at work. You don't say the "Q"word at work. But now that I'm home it's fine. I work in a Psych unit. If it's a busy day, it just stays busy all day. But if it's mellow and all the patients are calm and all the charting's done and we don't have 5 admits and 3 discharges all at once, and someone says "It's a quiet day, isn't it?..." Then immediately the phone starts ringing and the manager has 6 things that must be done now and some previously placated patient gets upset by some insignificant thing that results in a "code green" and someone ends up in restraints. Usually (not always, but usually) 8-hour Tuesdays are decent. But every other week I work a 12-hour shift from 0700-1930 and those seem to be the days from hell. I can handle one admit at a time, even if they happen in quick succession, but I can't do three at once, plus a discharge and a patient in tears. I work with a great team of people and we work together well to try to take care of all the patients, but we have groups to run and charting and treatment plans and evals and then you throw in the unexpected outbursts from adolecsents and people in pain and phone calls from family members who mean well, but start telling you all about their problems instead of addressing the patient's needs and things can get a little ....crazy. Those are my 12-hour Tuesdays.

Frustration...

I HATE being single. Now,I'm not one of those piney women who thinks she MUST have a man to be complete. I am perfectly happy with myself as a person. I have done a lot of soul searching and I know that I am a very worthwhile person all by myself. My reasons for hating single life are purely selfish. I hate sleeping alone. I crave physical contact. I just want someone to hold hands with, and snuggle and possibly get naked with. Just to clarify, I am not a trashy whore. I don't sleep around and I have NEVER had a one night stand. Just doesn't do it for me. Hence the frustration. I need emotional closeness as well as physical closeness. I'm in no hurry to get married again, if ever, but it sure would be nice to find someone to share some quality time with. I'm not too picky. I'm looking for someone preferably male, at least 25 years old, have a functional brain and know how to use it, with a college education or other career aspirations. Must like kids and not be adverse to dating a woman who is not a size 6. (But see previous rant...)

A new resolve...

I did something implusive today. Ok, so, not that impulsive. I've been seriously thinking about it for the last few weeks. And it been on my mind longer than that. I joined a gym. Made a 24 month commitment to pay $30 a month. I really need to stick with it. I have got to get in shape. I'm 6' tall and I weigh 290. That's too much. Before I had my son I was a size 12/14. I gained almost 100 lbs, during my pregnancy. That was seven years ago. I've never lost the weight. I try to have a positive attitude about myself and try to feel good about myself no matter what, but the truth is I don't feel good. I'm tired all the time. My knees hurt. It's a pain in the ass to buy clothes and I'm at high risk for diabetes and heart problems. I'm a nurse. I know what people who are seriously overweight go through. Not to mention the fact that I'm single and the guys out there (nice as they are) don't get interested in fat chicks. It's a HUGE (no pun intended) turn-off. And quite frankly, the ones who do get turned on by fat chicks worry me. So I've got a consulation with a personal trainer on Saturday and I'm gonna give it my best. I'll keep you posted...

Snow in April...

"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get." ~Lazarus Long



It's the middle of April. And we have SNOW in Idaho. Not unusual. Having lived here all my life, I shouldn't be surprised. But it's not an always thing. I could cope better if we ALWAYS had snow in April. But it's random. Some years we do, some years we don't. It's not uncommon to have snow during Spring Break (usually the last week of March) or on my birthday (April 9th) but this is pushing it. We've already had some beautiful spring weather. Just last week we were sitting outside Java (a local coffee shop) and basking in the sun. And today it SNOWS!! So we dig out the winter coats again and hope that the flowers don't freeze and maybe we'll make snow angels. And perhaps tomorrow (or possibly even this afternoon) the sun will come back and we can get back to having SPRING!

Ordinary Monday...

I had a very uneventful Monday at work. Nothing too stressful, but not too intersting either. After work I hung out with my munchkin and then dropped him off at his Dad's. Then I went and killed three hours drinking coffee and getting lost in the world of Lazarus Long. I have been "encouraged" for a while now to give Heinlein a read. I have been pleasently surprised at how much I have enjoyed "Stranger in a Strange Land" and "Time Enough for Love". And there are many more Heinlein books to read. Nothing more frustrating than finding a book that you really love and then discovering that that is the only book that author has written. (Or the only GOOD one!) As much as I enjoy Heinlein, the next tome I'm planning on tackling is "Shadowmarch" by Tad Williams. Another worthwhile author IMHO. I throughly enjoyed the "Memory, Sorrow and Thorn" trilogy (of 4 books...go figure) and "War of the Flowers" by said author. Sooooooo many books, so little time! Another piece of my pleasant evening was picking up a copy of Tori Amos' new album "The Beekeeper". VERY listenable! Sure to provide many hours of stimulating aural pleasure. Singing off for now...